It’s been a really long day…

I read back through some of my old blogs today.  I’ve been down from a bad flare and it was nice be able to look back and see I’ve survived these flares before.

I also noticed I’ve given a lot of facts about fibromyalgia.  I’ve touched on my different symptoms, both old and new.  I’ve talked about treatments that work for me and those that failed miserably.  I’ve mentioned that fibro has affected the people around me.  I’ve also written a lot about staying active and how important that is to me.

When I started writing this blog my hopes were to give people a better understanding of what it’s like to have fibro.  I think one topic I’ve been avoiding is what a “flare” is really like.  I mention it a lot, but haven’t seemed to go into great details.  To be honest, flares are ugly, painful, embarrassing, exhausting and I don’t like to talk about it.  To stay true to the intentions of my blog, however,  I feel it is a necessary topic.

So, how do I even begin to talk about such a huge part of fibro?  A list of flare symptoms would not even begin to describe what it’s really like.  I decided the best way to “show” you a flare is to take you through my day yesterday as I fought through a bad one. 

(I’m starting this with a disclaimer…Parts of my day are probably going to sound awful, but don’t worry, I’m doing much better today!)  

5:30- Alarm clock went off – I’m already exhausted and realize I can’t turn my head from neck and shoulder pain.  *re-set alarm*

6:30- Really have to get up now.  Needles are going through my neck and shoulders.  I’ve slept on my right arm and it’s numb.  I feel like I haven’t slept in a year. 

6:45- Shower and get ready for work.  I know I look like a mess, but to be honest…I’m in too much pain to care.

7:15- Leave for work and blast Zumba music to keep me awake.  I have a stomach ache from being so tired.

7:45- Arrive at work, down a huge cup of coffee in hopes that I wake up at all.  Sit and try to wake up as my legs twitch and my shoulders throb.  I can feel my heartbeat in my shoulders like when you accidently hammer your thumb. 

9:00 Conference call- So tired I’m not sure I am following what we are covering.  *Pay attention Jennifer!  Stop thinking about pain!* I need to ask a question.  I ask it and everyone’s confused.  I realize I’m not making sense and saying things backwards.  Major fibro-fog and I can’t spit out what I’m trying to say.  I get so frustrated it only makes the fog worse.  I give up on asking anymore questions.

12:00- try not to cry through lunch.  The only thing I can think about is my shoulders.  But wait…now there’s a pain creeping up behind my knees and down my calves.  Don’t cry…Don’t cry…Your co-workers won’t understand.

1: 00- Try to concentrate on Medicaid billing.  So tired…so tired…ugh…roll neck, do some stretching while billing…it’s not working.

2:00- I have no choice.  I need caffeine.  Drink a coke and it gives me another stomach ache.   I get back to Medicaid.  Don’t cry…Don’t cry…only two more hours to go.  *why is it so cold in here?? It’s 75 degrees outside*

3:00- Distract myself by opening my office window.  It’s warm and my stiff body could use the nice warm breeze.  I open the window, take a deep breath in, breathe in the smell of the dirt from the garden the maintenance man had tilled, and get an instant headache.

4:15 – Time to go!!  I can’t make my half hour commute without moving around for just a bit.  I stop at a store to find a shirt for an up-coming Zumbathon.  They don’t have the color, but at least I could move for just a minute and get some pain out of my legs.

5:00- Home.  Have the immediate urge to go straight to bed, but know better.  Went to the park for a walk/jog with my husband and finally felt somewhat human for the first time all day.

6:00- Had to run through some new Zumba songs for my class the next day.  *PLEASE don’t let me feel like I did today when I have to teach tomorrow!!*

8-ish- Husband tried to massage some pain from my legs and shoulders.  I could only handle about 10 minutes before I needed him to stop.  He asked if it was “better.”  When I told him it helped but he can’t “fix it”. He got quiet and said “but I want to.”  Believe me…me and about 5 million other people wish you could too.

9:00- there’s no more fighting it.  It’s time for bed.  My husband asked me if I was sure I wanted to go to bed so early.  YES!  There was no question.  Luckily I feel right to sleep.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jenn Rojas
    Mar 22, 2012 @ 12:47:51

    Love this post, Jennifer…..really gives people a glimpse into our lives and I found myself relating to everything you said….which, by the way, sounds a lot like a couple of my days lately since I’ve been hugely flared up this week and can’t quite figure out why. Z-love! ~ Jenn


  2. debbie
    May 05, 2012 @ 17:50:02

    OMG! the part where your words were coming out backwards, that was so me! I was having that happen along with being so dizzy and falling to the side at one point my dr. thought I was having a stroke, the nurologist told me I had deminia! I had so many tests done! finally, I was sent to a pain managment dr. who did the tests on me and said I had fibro, never new what that was, but I cried when he told me I had fibro, because someone finally believed me! when I was having these flares I was being treated like I was crazy, depressed it was terrible you start to believe you are crazy!


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